“Why do we have to do it in one day? Why can’t we do it a little at a time?,” Kate said while we were discussing when we’d have a family meeting. I had wanted to schedule one for a while and I know that if it doesn’t get scheduled, it doesn’t happen. However, that simple question sparked such anger in me that I didn’t know what to do with myself. When I get angry like that I’m completely blind to the truth of what the real problem is. At that point, all I cared about is winning the argument, and I know how to do just that –  through intimidation or a threat of anger. The crazy thing is, the anger seemed to have come out of nowhere. Yet, I knew that if I embraced my anger, the outcome would not be a godly one.

Ever been in a similar situation? The truth is, when you’re angry, you are not seeing your situation from the side of truth. When this happens, it is difficult to make the best decisions. Think of it like being drunk. When you’re drunk is when you make really, really, dumb decisions, like getting a tattoo of your ex-girlfriend’s name on your chest (just to be clear, I am NOT speaking from experience). When you’re angry, the same is true. You say things and even possibly do things you would regret later. So what do you do?

The first thing you must do is contain your anger, put away any wicked behavior, submit yourself to Christ, and choose to obey the word of God because man’s anger does not produce the righteousness of God (James 1:20-22, 25).

Second, separate for a time to allow your emotions to wear off.

Third, while you’re separated, begin by gaining perspective through asking “why” questions. This is the difficult part because it takes practice and diligence. The other difficult thing is that your brain does not like to dig deep to find the true answer. Therefore, you will try to stay on the surface of the issue and blame the other person for why you’re angry. The truth is, it is entirely your responsibility for why you’re angry. No one can make you angry. You get angry, most likely, because of past training, but also because you don’t know how to separate yourself from someone else or your circumstance emotionally. You also need to evaluate your expectations and determine if they need to be changed (most likely they do, by the way).

In Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend’s book, “Boundaries,” they say that a person given to anger is usually someone who has not had good boundaries developed. When a person does not have good emotional, spiritual, or physical boundaries developed, his identity is not developed, and consequently, he does not have a good understanding of who he really is, being separate from someone or something else.

So, don’t stay on the surface of why you’re angry. Find out why YOU are angry. If you don’t have good boundaries, it will feel like you don’t have a choice in the matter of why you’re angry, but you do! Once you understand that you control you, own your anger and discover why you became angry, then (here it comes the big word) CHOOSE to change your behavior (James 1:22 & 25).

I know this works because my wife and I are doing it! So I know that you can too!

Question: What do you do when you’re angry? Why do you think you get angry? Leave a comment or a question below in the comments section.

PS: Here’s some interesting information on the biology of what happens when you’re angry – “How the Amygdala Affects Anxiety”