Blog Posts
Reflections on 2020 to Today
As I reflect back on 2020, I’m reminded of what God is doing and did. He sent fear, disruption, death, and trauma to everyone in the world. It came because of how uncontrollable life really is. A simple virus exposed how weak and vulnerable our bodies, souls, governments, communities, and families are.
Are we healing and resting well as we progress away from what happened in 2020 and 2021?
Some are…others continue to ignore God’s call to Sabbath, rest, heal, mourn, grieve, and lament.
The most difficult part of resting is having to stop and sit with what you’re left with inside. America was operating efficiently, but with no Sabbath rests. As a culture, we strive on towards the “American Dream” of self-sufficiency, self-fulfillment, and self-dependence. This leaves no room for heart and soul work by God, loving communities, or ourselves. We are unaware of how frail, vulnerable, desirous, needy, broken, lustful, and murderous we are.
I remember the first and second weeks of the lockdowns. For the most part, my life hadn’t changed much because I was an essential worker in commercial HVAC. I still drove from Front Royal, VA, into Northern VA and DC., Government facilities, data centers, and various other organizations that continued operation – even if it was at a reduced capacity. I would come home from work and my mind and body were still grappling with masks, social distancing mandates, and non-essential businesses having to close. I was angry that my normal life was being disrupted with measures that seemed pointless. No one was dying around me. No one I knew had gotten the virus. No one I knew was sick. Why shut everything down because of what the government “believes” is going to happen? How could those in power have so much authority to augment and dictate my freedom?
Just writing this, I don’t want to re-enter the trauma of that time. I want to leave and dissociate from what happened. The memories are fragmented and so has been my ability to fully process and metabolize it. I cannot recall the details of how the mandates progressed. I remember themes of my story through the pandemic. There was the lockdowns with essential workers only. I don’t recall if it was at the same time that churches weren’t allowed to gather any more. Then there was regulation on masks and social distancing. As we got into summer, yet another turn was George Floyd. This created social justice protests which erupted into crime, pillaging, riots, and murder. Our country is still processing the post traumatic stress (whether or not they’re aware of it) from the pandemic, social justice protests & riots, and the trauma of a Presidential election that ended with an insurrection. It’s too much!
I don’t want to write what I went through. I want to get to the part that was the best of my story during that time.
At some point during all of this, churches were starting to divide over masks. I was still angry and in a state of defiance against a corrupt system of shameful coercion forcing me to mask up when the threat didn’t appear real to me. All of the data even concluded that I was right! While I was angry at the mandates, a kind guide helped me evaluate where my heart was. Was my heart in a place to honor Christ, submit to governing authorities (even if I don’t agree with their executive orders), and show love to others by respecting their wishes, desires, and beliefs for health safety? Was love my motivating goal to show and share the gospel? Or was my own pride and anger?
I came to the conclusion that I needed both of these motivations. I needed to add love for my neighbor, submission to government, and gospel oriented actions. I needed to keep my anger, but direct it not against people, but to fight to protect liberty in its various forms. I also needed my anger to stand in defiance against a corrupt system that sought to shame people for their beliefs and life choices. It also sought to put pressure on people to coerce them against their own consciences.
I looked at my culture during the lockdown when only essential work was allowed. One of the things I saw was a refusal to rest, grieve, lament, confess, and repent. As a culture, we were running away from our brokenness, depravity, and trauma. For each person, it looked different. But it all had activities that produced dissociation from the pain, sorrow, and suffering we held in our bodies.
When we were forced to “do nothing”, we could not stand to bear what we felt in stillness, isolated from community, and no access to dissociative tactics.
My dissociative tactics were video games, YouTube, binge watching the Star Wars animated Clone Wars series, and copious amounts of chocolate. I talked with my wife about all of this over the whole year. I also had the help of guides who influenced me to name and engage what my soul and body did not. I decided to confront what I was too afraid to sit with.
Around the time of George Floyd’s death, I remember one day coming home from work. I knew I wanted to immediately get onto my computer and find something to indulge my overwhelmed emotions and body. But I wanted to change and I wanted to follow God’s call to become a priest to intercede for my country. Instead of immediately getting on the computer to play video games or whatever dissociative tactic it was for that day, I sat on the couch and stared out the window and let myself become aware of all the thoughts and emotions that I was pushing down. Little by little they came to the surface. As I became aware of all these things buried deep down, I couldn’t help but begin to grieve. So many stories of disappointments, heartache, betrayal, abandonment, and hope deferred came up to the surface. But in the sorrow, the lament, grief, anger, and rage, I found a new intimacy with Christ’s suffering. I also began to see how my culture was fighting hard against rest, just as I had. I also saw how God brought about a viral pandemic to force the world to rest. But the world had refused to rest, and refused to acknowledge its frailty and need for God. So it did not stop, repent, mourn and grieve. Instead it turned to its own control and self-dependence. Just as ancient Israel and Judah did not repent from their sin and seek God, so the world did not repent and seek God.
After I began to see where I was, I also began to see where my culture was. As a result, I began a priestly intercession for my culture and the world. All through the pandemic, the protests and riots over social justice issues, protests and riots over the presidential elections, mask mandates, and vaccination requirements, my one plea has been that my world would know the kindness and mercy of the gospel through Jesus Christ. That they would become aware of their frailty, their vulnerability, and their neediness, instead of self-fulfillment, self-dependence, and self-sufficiency.
And that is my prayer for you who are reading this blog. Have you learned how to sabbath rest? Have you learned how to find delight, pleasure, goodness, and honor in God, his creation, and community? Have you learned the skills of grief, lament, sorrow, pain, anger, rage, or defiance? Or, are you still trying to live in a fairytale world where pain is just something that happens every so often and goes away? Have you learned to delight in God? If you have not learned how to enter pain, sorrow, and brokenness with kindness and care, you really do not know what it is to experience true delight and pleasure in God. The two go together.
Desire, Beauty, and Brokenness
Desire is complex. It holds the beauty of God and points us to him. It is also effected by the harm, abuse, shame, and sin of a broken and fallen world. To navigate desire, we need a wise and caring community to listen to our stories of beauty and brokenness. We also need the transforming love of God. Can you hold that your desire is good and meant to find its full satisfaction in God and his design? Can you also hold that brokenness, evil, and sin has both shaped you and made you who you are? Are you willing to engage with constant practice to discern good from evil (Hebrews 4:14, Genesis 3:6, 1 John 2:16, & Proverbs 13:12)?
Below are some links to other sources concerning this topic around beauty, brokenness, and desire:
McLean Bible Church, David Platt, Part 1 Beauty and Brokenness
https://mcleanbible.org/sermons/Beauty-and-Brokenness/7/
Dr. Dan Allender and the Allender Center
How Do Christians Challenge Culture: A Response to Dr. Del’s Article
Dr. Del wrote a provocative article exposing the reality of the present political climates’ wicked heart in its pursuit of self-centered power, significance, and control. (Check out Del’s blog: George Washington Was Not a Party Animal)
However, while the self-centered wickedness of American politics is now exposed, and there is a historical context of what George Washington said concerning the perils of political parties, what are Christians to do? How is a Christian to challenge this present culture and political climate through genuine love for people – to bless culture, challenge it, help it flourish, and seek the shalom of others without any hypocritical love, selfish ambition, or ulterior motive?
I believe it first requires coming face to face with how deep God is hurt and grieved at our sin. For instead of desiring Him, Christians have allowed self-centered philosophies and the vices of the affluent American culture to be their main goals and pursuits.
For instance, a Christian may start a business (a good endeavor), but his motivation may be to achieve the American Dream. The problem? As David Platt said, “The problem with the American dream is that it makes much of man rather than God. It is based on a sinful philosophy that by his own ability, man can make much of himself.” But a Christian’s goal should be to make much of God, not through a dependence on his own abilities, but through a prayerful desperation for the power of God. The American Dream, while wonderful, does not seek God’s desire and will for mankind, and, at its core, is self-centered. Similarly to the perils of the self-centered American Dream, consider God’s warning to Israel, given through Moses:
“”Take care lest you forget the Lord your God by not keeping his commandments and his rules and his statutes, which I command you today, lest, when you have eaten and are full and have built good houses and live in them, and when your herds and flocks multiply and your silver and gold is multiplied and all that you have is multiplied, then your heart be lifted up, and you forget the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery,… Beware lest you say in your heart, ‘My power and the might of my hand have gotten me this wealth.’ You shall remember the Lord your God, for it is he who gives you power to get wealth, that he may confirm his covenant that he swore to your fathers, as it is this day.” Deuteronomy 8:11-14, 17-18 ESV
Christians have sinned by having prostituted affairs with the idols and vices of this world. Not that these things are necessarily evil in and of themselves, but what one seeks to gain from those idols is. Christians have integrated the lies and deceit of the world’s self-centered, significant seeking vices into their biblical worldview. Consequently, the church atrophies and stagnates, losing its saltiness and ability to influence culture, for there is no power of God at work in the lives of many American Christians to distinguish them from the culture. This sin should not be. It should grieve Christians.
Consider how God was hurt and devastated that Israel would turn from him, sinning against him, by seeking the comforts and idols of other nations instead of seeking a desperation for the power of God at work in their hearts:
“”Go and proclaim in the hearing of Jerusalem, Thus says the Lord, “I remember the devotion of your youth, your love as a bride, how you followed me in the wilderness, in a land not sown.
Thus says the Lord: “What wrong did your fathers find in me that they went far from me, and went after worthlessness, and became worthless? They did not say, ‘Where is the Lord who brought us up from the land of Egypt, who led us in the wilderness, in a land of deserts and pits, in a land of drought and deep darkness, in a land that none passes through, where no man dwells?’ And I brought you into a plentiful land to enjoy its fruits and its good things. But when you came in, you defiled my land and made my heritage an abomination….for my people have committed two evils: they have forsaken me, the fountain of living waters, and hewed out cisterns for themselves, broken cisterns that can hold no water.” Jeremiah 2:2, 5-7, 13 ESV
Do you hear God’s broken and hurt voice expressed through these words of Jeremiah?
“My joy is gone; grief is upon me; my heart is sick within me.
For the wound of the daughter of my people is my heart wounded; I mourn, and dismay has taken hold on me.”
“Oh that my head were waters, and my eyes a fountain of tears, that I might weep day and night for the slain of the daughter of my people! Oh that I had in the desert a travelers’ lodging place, that I might leave my people and go away from them! For they are all adulterers, a company of treacherous men. They bend their tongue like a bow; falsehood and not truth has grown strong in the land; for they proceed from evil to evil, and they do not know me, declares the Lord.” Jeremiah 8:18, 21, & 9:1-3 ESV
Can you see that your sin hurts God? God is deeply concerned about your sin and his hurt. It grieves my heart that I desert the path of God to fulfill my own desires by my own hand instead of finding it in the love and delight of knowing God and Jesus Christ.
I started this article asking, what are Christians to do in response to Dr. Del’s article. I argued that Christians must begin to grieve their sin for how much it hurts God.
So, how are Christians to grieve?
“…if my people who are called by my name humble themselves, and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and heal their land.” 2 Chronicles 7:14 ESV
Christians are to become humbled at the devastation their sin produces in relationship with God and others. Christians, with a broken heart towards their sin, are to pray in desperation for the power of the Holy Spirit and to seek God’s face. When a Christian’s heart is humbled and moves from self dependence to dependence on the power and work of the Holy Spirit, then can God begin to manifest Himself through that individual.
How can Christians challenge this American culture?
After grieving your sin, turning and seeking God, let the love of Christ become your primary aim – to know it and give it. For Jesus said, “This is my command, that you love one another.” When you love people and are genuinely concerned for their welfare, to bless them, to help them flourish, and find their shalom, you will wantto serve and challenge cutlure out of the Spirit’s work in your heart. You will want to make much of God, not yourself. Jesus said, “The Son of man did not come to be served, but to serve.” Out of love Christians are to serve, not to lord over people, but because of a deep conviction for God’s renown to be made manifest to the world that some would be saved and others give glory to God. This is how Christians become the light of the world.
So practically speaking, for me, as a Christian, working in the commercial heating and air conditioning industry of D.C. and the surrounding areas, how do I serve and challenge culture? While depending on scripture, the power of the Spirit at work in me, disciplining myself in prayer, bible intake, scripture meditation, and scripture memorization, I serve those I work with through grace, but expose the fruitless pursuits of man’s self-centeredness.
I worked with an apprentice recently at my company. He is 23 years old and one of the tail end of the “millennial” generation (I’m 29 yrs old, so I identify with many of his plights). His work ethic is swayed by the ambivalence of his emotions. Therefore, as we work together, one day he is able to produce very well. Other days, he accomplishes very little. He has been berated and reprimanded multiple times for his tardiness, lack of production, and indifferent attitude by our supervisor.
At first, I berated this apprentice, just as my supervisor had, because I felt hurt when I experienced his actions and attitudes. However, instead of taking my hurt to God, or communicating to this apprentice how his actions and attitudes impacted me, I reacted from my selfish ambition, not genuine love and desire for Christ. God showed me that my reactions and words to him damaged the relationship, hurt him, and prevented the gospel from being spoken. As I saw my sin, I became grieved at my wicked, selfish desire to inflict pain and hurt. In my grief, I was humbled and allowed the Spirit to begin working to change my heart. Through the power of the Spirit’s work in my heart, I started to serve him through empathy and grace, but also confronting the truth of his behavior and attitudes with love. I opened up a dialogue between us so that he could communicate his life problems, frustrations, and concerns without a fear of judgement, condemnation, rejection, or contempt. As I loved him genuinely, affirmed his strengths, acknowledged the times he worked with consistent effort, helped him with his daily tasks, and served him, he began to change – very slowly, but he changed. And, it opened the door for me to share the gospel of Jesus Christ. For what I did for him, Jesus had done for me and was manifesting Himself through me because Jesus loved the young apprentice I worked with.
Though the American culture and political parties seek power, money, control, manipulation, and significance, do not let it be so among you. I pray that this article encourages you in your faith to persevere, grieve your sin, challenge culture, and serve the world.
Update on Life: Slowdown
Ya know…a lot has changed lately. Not externally, but internally.
I look back over my blog and the last couple years since the beginning of 2015 and I see myself differently now. This is because I’ve begun to tell my story to those who are willing to listen without condemnation and accept me for who I am and where I am in my growth and development.
I’m in a process of healing now. Things have slowed down so that more energy and time can be placed on emotional, psychological, spiritual, and physical healing.
Our bodies store trauma, did you know that?
I could never slow down to process my own life trauma (and everyone has some). I’d go to an event or seminar that was very impactful in my personal growth. Afterward, I’d feel like I was “fixed” and that I could pursue my heart’s dreams unhindered. However, it wouldn’t last.
I have such a shallow view of life. But it’s been recently that I’ve found how to slow down and heal.
The best part of this phase of my life is that I’m discovering deeper, more complex, and intense emotions of God. My life is His story in which I come to understand myself by understanding and knowing Him. My level of relationship and intimacy has deepened as I have walked into the path He has called me to, though it is marred with great pain (no one likes to visit the past pains).
Yet, it’s in this place of suffering by processing past pains that I have grown the most in my intimacy with God. I have come to trust Him deeper, know Him richer, rejoice and cry with Him fuller. I am learning who He has created my to be that I might reflect His glory.
I ask you: do you know Him? Today, slow down and spend three hours with Him today.
What to Do if Your Job Drains You
You know what really sucks? Working for a company that drains the life out of you everyday.
But, how do you change that?
You must become the change you seek. In order to be the change you seek, you must stop being a follower and start being a leader. And who are you leading? Yourself.
‘But how do I do that?’
Something I’ve been learning recently might help you.
In, “Boundaries for Leaders,” Dr. Henry Cloud says that any leader of a results producing organization will have defined boundaries in certain areas. So, what are these boundaries? Well, brain scientists have termed these three boundaries as “executive functions”. “Executive Functions are what is needed to achieve any purposeful activity…” There are three essential processes.
1. “Attention: the ability to focus on relevant stimuli and block out what is not relevant…pay attention”
2. “Inhibition: The ability to not do certain actions…don’t do that.”
3. “Working memory: The ability to access and retain relevant information for reasoning, decisions making, and taking future actions…remember and build on relevant information.”
So, how can you use these to lead yourself?
Attention: do you know what is the most important thing in your job description? If not, clarify it. This goes for your role in your family as well, and any other sphere of life you live in. Once it’s clarified, block out the things that are not relevant to your key results area. If you’re part of a bad culture that doesn’t get things done, then be the change you seek by paying attention to your relevant stimuli, that is, what are you being paid to do primarily? Focus on doing that.
Inhibition: Once you know what your main thing is, weed out distractions or non-relevant activities. Entrepreneurs, try delegating some of your tasks to others (but know how to properly delegate, otherwise your team member will fail and you’ll go back to doing what you’ve always done because “if I want it done right, I have to do it myself”).
Working memory: Do you have all the necessary components of information to start doing what you’re supposed to be paying attention to? If not, clarify it. Seek out information, books, YouTube, Podcasts, there’s an endless stream of information available to you now in the digital age. But remember, not all information is created equal and this calls for wisdom to discern what is good and bad.
Question: how are you going to use the process of “attention” to start winning in your family, work, or other sphere of life?