If there’s one thing I am pissed off at it is the wicked structures in Christians’ thinking that avoid the reality of their pain. I hate that evil has so effectively penetrated even Christianity that the people who know God are still ignorant to their own depravity. I hate that these patterns and structures in Christians’ minds enslave them to abusive relational structures, idealization, and hatred in their hearts. They are in pain, yet their lifestyle, relationships, and clinical wellbeing keep them enslaved.

I want them to be free.

To my reader, I assume that you’re in more pain than you know and I feel it on your behalf. I don’t like feeling pain, but what I can’t stand even more is how much Christians become accustomed to living enslaved to their pain. Their lifestyle, their thinking, and their relationships have blinded them to their enslavement. But, they’ve learned to live with it and manage it. They’re not even aware of how bound and enslaved they are to wickedness because they’ve not been taught that their feelings are true, are telling them something true about reality, and are a signal to pay attention to what is going on in their souls.

If this is true of you, I beg of you, I BEG of you, give yourself permission and kindness to speak the truth of what you feel and think. Don’t dismiss it, minimize it, or explain it away with some positivity statement. Stop avoiding your emptiness and the ways you fill your emptiness. Lean into the conflict of confronting those parts of yourself you have denied, or the reality of the pain you’re in. 

The hardest thing I have ever done with my wife is go to counseling. I understand why most people don’t go to a counselor. You’d be admitting that you don’t have life together, you’re not okay, and you’re to the point that professional help is needed. There’s a lot of shame and fear that prevents people from going. 

Unfortunately, that is exactly what you need to engage. You need the help of another person to name and engage your fear of feeling shame and fear. You need someone who can listen to your life’s story and help you through the confusion and purposelessness of a fragmented and disintegrated narrative. If you want to live a life of purpose for God’s glory, fulfilled, full of joy, dignified, and delightful, you are going to have to learn how to suffer through the heartache, pain, sorrow, grief, rage, anger, and lethargy you have dissociated from. You keep telling yourself, “It’s okay.” But you have sin, and you have not learned or experienced the truth and kindness of God’s healing touch. Those who say they have no sin, lie and deceive themselves. They believe they need no help, have no real problems or issues, and keep all their unwanted feelings buried inside. They become part of Christian communities that also “have it all together”, but never go deeper below the surface into their deep depravity of what they worship and how they murder in their hearts. Why? Because of the shame and uncomfortableness it creates in other people when we expose our burdens that are heavy. When we open up and begin confessing to other Christians our deep, deep struggles, they’ve not been able to bear our big emotions. So, they patronize us and our struggle. They quote the promises of God. They try to “rescue” us out of our strong emotions. Why? Because they cannot bear to feel what we’re struggling with since they would have to feel their own buried feelings.

But that is not the gospel! Jesus suffered, was betrayed, rejected, and abandoned. Then he was crucified, mocked, scourged, whipped, and nailed naked to a cross. It was necessary that this happen for our sakes. He knows our suffering and pain. He knows our anger and rage. He knows our betrayals, how others have rejected us, and how we have been abandoned by those we needed most. It is in the crucifixion that you and I are invited to learn Jesus’ suffering and how he did not revile in return, turn to self-contempt, hate others, escape his pain through addictions, or murder his enemies in his heart and mind. This is what the crucifixion invites us into. It invites us into the death of our carnal, fleshly selves that seek to be self-dependent, self-fulfilled, self-sufficient, and self-determined. And when a person becomes open and vulnerable about their struggle, this is where we need to go: into mourning and grieving the pain together – not minimizing it, not explaining it away with positivity scriptures, and not trying to rescue it. It is sitting in the dirt and lamenting with the person. It is being angry and expressing rage on their behalf for the wicked injustices he or she has suffered. 

Please, stop living enslaved to pain and wickedness. Expose the darkness in your heart. Expose the reality that “trying harder” or “doing better” isn’t working. You won’t find fulfillment in longer hours at work, more money to spend, or better sex with your spouse. These are the gods that our culture worships. But you, you are to worship the all powerful, almighty God and Father of your soul. He jealously yearns to have your delight, affection, and worship. He wants to save you, redeem you, and satisfy your soul with his love. Don’t you long for rest? He can satisfy you, but it is through crucifixion, pain, suffering, and death that we find resurrection and life with God.

So, my call to you for your next small growth step in your healing journey it this: dedicate one hour to sit in a place you won’t be disturbed. Cut out distractions from people, noises, and the internet. In that hour, begin writing down what comes to the surface in your thoughts and emotions. Don’t judge them, suppress them, or burry them. Give them a voice and don’t be afraid of them – God isn’t. Let them sit at your heart’s table and have a voice without judgment. What do they say? What do they feel? What do they want? What do they need?