How many people in your life have hurt you? Is there someone close to you who really hurt you? Did it change how you interacted with that person? Did you put up walls in your heart towards the relationship so that you would not be hurt again? Have you been abused by someone verbally, emotionally or physically? Are you holding on to someone else’s wrongs or failures because they hurt you?

This week I connected with someone, whom I will call Bob in this article to protect his identity. Bod is growing in life. I love meeting those people. It is energizing to meet people who want to win and do what they love.

However, as we talked, Bob shared how his dad had physically and verbally abused him as a child. As he shared more and more, it became apparent to me that he had not forgiven his dad. Interestingly, as a result, it had effected other decisions in his life and he didn’t even realize it. I tried to drill in on the issue and help him gain perspective to see how not forgiving his dad was holding him back and effecting his decisions in life.

My heart hurt for this guy. I can’t imagine the pain he went through as a kid. He was blamed and abused for things he didn’t even do. His whole childhood was painful. What’s worse, he was taught by his dad that he didn’t have a right to himself. You might be asking, “What does that mean?” It means that his father’s abuse taught him to accept responsibility for his father’s anger. That, however, is a violation of boundaries between two distinct souls. He is not his father and should not be the object of his father’s anger. His father should have had the emotional, spiritual, and psychological tools to deal with the anger, instead of taking it out on his son. His father never gave him a choice in the matter, whether or not it was his wrong doing that he was disciplined for. He learned that he did not have a boundary between his father’s rage and his own emotional, physical, and spiritual self. He felt responsible for his father’s rage.

As a child, abused by his father, the question he kept asking himself was, “Why does my dad hate me? What did I do wrong?” To which, his response was, “Well, it must be me. There must be something wrong with me that my father doesn’t like. So, it’s my fault.”

This led into his adulthood. He didn’t even realize that when someone else screwed up on the job, he felt that he was responsible for it, even though he wasn’t even a part of it. He had vowed to not treat his own son like he had been treated as a child. This, however, had allowed his son to not learn that there are consequences to his decisions, attitudes, and behavior. More than anything, he said that he did not know how to forgive his father. “I can’t forgive him,” were his words. Part of this stems from not knowing that he has a choice in forgiving his father. Bob has never had the ability to choose. He’s always been a victim of many other people’s bad decisions and emotional baggage.

If you have been abused as a child, you must understand that you’re not a victim. Yes, the pain and hurt are intense. However, you do not have to accept responsibility for someone else’s crap. The other person is responsible for his or her own issues. You have a choice. Decide today to not take emotional responsibility for the other person’s actions. You will feel like you should take responsibility, but fight that desire. You are not responsible for it. Choose to not take responsibility for it. You have to develop a new muscle. You start with the light weights and gradually, as the muscle gets stronger, you move to the heavier weights. It is a process. Choose to forgive and let go.

Imagine you’re a kid in a giant playground. All of your friends are there. They’re running around playing tag, some are swinging, some are sliding down the slide. However, while all of your friends are playing and choosing to do what they love to do, you’re not having any fun. Why? You are holding on to a steel pole that has been driven into the ground and concrete poured around it. As you try to go play with your friends who are beckoning to you, you try, but then stop because your arm won’t let you go. Your hand is fastened tight to the pole. You won’t let go.

That is what happens in life as an adult of you hold a grudge in your heart towards another person. It will keep you from experiencing your true purpose and freedom in life.

Here’s the thing to understand, you have created your own prison by limiting yourself in not forgiving the other person. You probably don’t feel that way, though. You probably feel that you are a captive of the other person. It feels to you that you have no choice. However, you do have a choice.

Choose to forgive! It might be a process depending on how extensive the damage is, but if you want to move on in life, you must let it go! You’re not a victim trapped by someone else’s abuse or wrongs towards you. You are free to choose forgiveness. No one is keeping you trapped and held back in life. It is your own decision to stay there. It is your decision to hold the grudge that is keeping yourself from living.

Choose to forgive! Choose to let it go! Choose to live!