Nick Meeder | Way Finders

“Why do we have to do it in one day? Why can’t we do it a little at a time?,” Kate said while we were discussing when we’d have a family meeting. I had wanted to schedule one for a while and I know that if it doesn’t get scheduled, it doesn’t happen. However, that simple question sparked such anger in me that I didn’t know what to do with myself. When I get angry like that I’m completely blind to the truth of what the real problem is. At that point, all I cared about is winning the argument, and I know how to do just that –  through intimidation or a threat of anger. The crazy thing is, the anger seemed to have come out of nowhere. Yet, I knew that if I embraced my anger, the outcome would not be a godly one. Ever been in a similar situation? The truth is, when you’re angry, you are not seeing your situation from the side of truth. When this happens, it is difficult to make the best decisions. Think of it like being drunk. When you’re drunk is when you make really, really, dumb decisions, like getting a tattoo of your ex-girlfriend’s name on your chest (just to be clear, I am NOT speaking from experience). When you’re angry, the same is true. You say things and even possibly do things you would regret later. So what do you do? The first thing you must do is contain your anger, put away any wicked behavior, submit yourself to Christ, and choose to obey the word of God because man’s anger does not produce the righteousness of God (James 1:20-22, 25). Second, separate for a time to allow your emotions to wear off. Third, while you’re separated, begin by gaining perspective through asking “why” questions. This is the difficult part because it takes practice and diligence. The other difficult thing is that your brain does not like to dig deep to find the true answer. Therefore, you will try to stay on the surface of the issue and blame the other person for why you’re angry. The truth is, it is entirely your responsibility for why you’re angry. No one can make you angry. You get angry, most likely, because of past training, but also because you don’t know how to separate yourself from someone else or your circumstance emotionally. You also need to evaluate your expectations and determine if they need to be changed (most likely they do, by the way). In Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend’s book, “Boundaries,” they say that a person given to anger is usually someone who has not had good boundaries developed. When a person does not have good emotional, spiritual, or physical boundaries developed, his identity is not developed, and consequently, he does not have a good understanding of who he really is, being separate from someone or something else. So, don’t stay on the surface of why you’re angry. Find out why YOU are angry. If you don’t have good boundaries, it will feel like you don’t have a choice in the matter of why you’re angry, but you do! Once you understand that you control you, own your anger and discover why you became angry, then (here it comes the big word) CHOOSE to change your behavior (James 1:22 & 25). I know this works because my wife and I are doing it! So I know that you can too! Question: What do you do when you’re angry? Why do you think you get angry? Leave a comment or a question below in the comments section. PS: Here’s some interesting information on the biology of what happens when you’re angry – “How the Amygdala Affects Anxiety”  

Ever find yourself feeling depressed or frustrated with where you are in life? Your life just doesn’t feel happy or satisfying. Maybe you don’t have the job you wanted, or the spouse you wanted, or the income you wanted, or the car, or the children, or the house, etc? Do you often wonder what you were put on earth for? Do you wonder what your true purpose or mission on this earth is? If you answered, “Yes,” then you’re just like me…or wait, am I just like you? ? Well, I most certainly sympathize with you.

The truth is, many people experience this regularly. Yet, the question remains, “What do I do about this? How do I find my purpose? How can I make my life better? How can I change the purposelessness of my life and begin to live a fulfilled life?” Well, I’m glad you asked!

The answer to all of these questions begins in God. That is a very small sentence, but full of profound wisdom, so doesn’t pass over it. Your purpose begins in God. He formed you from before the foundation of the earth. Your purpose begins when you turn your heart to seek after God and know Him! Stop fighting His gentle nudge and surrender your heart to His plan for you.

“…know the God of your father and serve him with a whole heart and with a willing mind, for the Lord searches all hearts and understands every plan and thought.” (1 Chronicles 28:9)

“For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.” (Ephesians 2:10)

You have been created for a purpose, His purpose, to do good things. He loves you! He is crazy about you! Your purpose and the contentment you seek in life begin in Him.

Are you living the life you were meant to live? What are you living for? Why are you living? What do you want to do?

I find that some people are fine not knowing the answers to these questions. That’s fine, you can make that decision. However, I’ve found, personally, that I want to know the answers to those questions, but I don’t want to put in the hustle to know the answers. I have to hustle, though, because the answers to those questions are not simple. It takes time, failing, adjusting, discovering, experiencing new things, and moving forward. The most difficult thing to overcome is my flesh’s desire to control my life and not be surrendered to God’s plan. Yet, His plan is the best!

So first, understand that your life plan is only fully understood in God because He created you. If you want to know your purpose, know Christ. Success and honor only come from and are granted by God.

Second, if you want your life to improve and to live the life you were meant to live, you must embrace hustle and diligence. Why? There is no magic pill that causes your life to get better. Diligence is excellence everyday for a life time. You must make better decisions for a long time. Think of it like compound interest. At first, within the first three years, you really don’t feel or see the changes, but as the good decisions begin to accumulate, your life will begin to get exponentially better. This begs the question, though, “Do you know how you make decisions now? Do you know what holds you back? Do you know what causes you to excel?”

To live the life you are meant to live, it must include God and it starts everyday, so start!

 

 

I saw a book recently that was titled, “212º: The Extra Degree.” The idea behind the title is that at 211º Fahrenheit water is very hot. However, at 212º F water will turn to steam, and steam can power a train. So the premise goes that just as one degree is the difference between no power and lots of power, therefore, one little thing is standing between you now and your future success.

That’s a cute concept. However, the truth is that your future success is much more difficult to achieve than you think. Let me put this into perspective.

A change of one degree Fahrenheit isn’t actually a measurement of how much energy was put into or taken out of a substance. To illustrate this, think of the amount of energy needed to boil water at your home on the stove, verses the amount of energy needed to turn water into steam at a power plant. There’s a massive difference in the amount of energy.

To understand just how big this difference is, I’ll explain using math and science. It takes 8.3 British Thermal Units of heat energy to raise 1 gallon of water 1 degree Fahrenheit. Awesome, all that’s needed is 8.3 Btus of heat energy to raise 1 gallon of water 1 degree Fahrenheit. That’s not a lot, right? Correct, it’s not a lot, until you want to change 212ºF water into 212º steam.

To change an entire gallon of 212ºF water to 212ºF steam, it will take slightly more than 8,051 Btus of heat energy (not to mention time). That is a massive difference in energy! That’s a difference of 8,042.7. So much for the easiness of achieving your future success.

The truth of our world is that it takes hard work to win at anything. There is no easy path. Whatever it is that “your future success” looks like, it is going to take MUCH more than 1 degree to get you there. It is going to take 8,051 Btus of your own choice, grit, hustle, and diligence to get there.

Don’t give up, though, because “the diligent prosper,” and you, “…reap what you sow” – God said so (Prov. 10:4, 12:24, 13:4, & Gal. 6:6-10).

 

How many people in your life have hurt you? Is there someone close to you who really hurt you? Did it change how you interacted with that person? Did you put up walls in your heart towards the relationship so that you would not be hurt again? Have you been abused by someone verbally, emotionally or physically? Are you holding on to someone else’s wrongs or failures because they hurt you?

This week I connected with someone, whom I will call Bob in this article to protect his identity. Bod is growing in life. I love meeting those people. It is energizing to meet people who want to win and do what they love.

However, as we talked, Bob shared how his dad had physically and verbally abused him as a child. As he shared more and more, it became apparent to me that he had not forgiven his dad. Interestingly, as a result, it had effected other decisions in his life and he didn’t even realize it. I tried to drill in on the issue and help him gain perspective to see how not forgiving his dad was holding him back and effecting his decisions in life.

My heart hurt for this guy. I can’t imagine the pain he went through as a kid. He was blamed and abused for things he didn’t even do. His whole childhood was painful. What’s worse, he was taught by his dad that he didn’t have a right to himself. You might be asking, “What does that mean?” It means that his father’s abuse taught him to accept responsibility for his father’s anger. That, however, is a violation of boundaries between two distinct souls. He is not his father and should not be the object of his father’s anger. His father should have had the emotional, spiritual, and psychological tools to deal with the anger, instead of taking it out on his son. His father never gave him a choice in the matter, whether or not it was his wrong doing that he was disciplined for. He learned that he did not have a boundary between his father’s rage and his own emotional, physical, and spiritual self. He felt responsible for his father’s rage.

As a child, abused by his father, the question he kept asking himself was, “Why does my dad hate me? What did I do wrong?” To which, his response was, “Well, it must be me. There must be something wrong with me that my father doesn’t like. So, it’s my fault.”

This led into his adulthood. He didn’t even realize that when someone else screwed up on the job, he felt that he was responsible for it, even though he wasn’t even a part of it. He had vowed to not treat his own son like he had been treated as a child. This, however, had allowed his son to not learn that there are consequences to his decisions, attitudes, and behavior. More than anything, he said that he did not know how to forgive his father. “I can’t forgive him,” were his words. Part of this stems from not knowing that he has a choice in forgiving his father. Bob has never had the ability to choose. He’s always been a victim of many other people’s bad decisions and emotional baggage.

If you have been abused as a child, you must understand that you’re not a victim. Yes, the pain and hurt are intense. However, you do not have to accept responsibility for someone else’s crap. The other person is responsible for his or her own issues. You have a choice. Decide today to not take emotional responsibility for the other person’s actions. You will feel like you should take responsibility, but fight that desire. You are not responsible for it. Choose to not take responsibility for it. You have to develop a new muscle. You start with the light weights and gradually, as the muscle gets stronger, you move to the heavier weights. It is a process. Choose to forgive and let go.

Imagine you’re a kid in a giant playground. All of your friends are there. They’re running around playing tag, some are swinging, some are sliding down the slide. However, while all of your friends are playing and choosing to do what they love to do, you’re not having any fun. Why? You are holding on to a steel pole that has been driven into the ground and concrete poured around it. As you try to go play with your friends who are beckoning to you, you try, but then stop because your arm won’t let you go. Your hand is fastened tight to the pole. You won’t let go.

That is what happens in life as an adult of you hold a grudge in your heart towards another person. It will keep you from experiencing your true purpose and freedom in life.

Here’s the thing to understand, you have created your own prison by limiting yourself in not forgiving the other person. You probably don’t feel that way, though. You probably feel that you are a captive of the other person. It feels to you that you have no choice. However, you do have a choice.

Choose to forgive! It might be a process depending on how extensive the damage is, but if you want to move on in life, you must let it go! You’re not a victim trapped by someone else’s abuse or wrongs towards you. You are free to choose forgiveness. No one is keeping you trapped and held back in life. It is your own decision to stay there. It is your decision to hold the grudge that is keeping yourself from living.

Choose to forgive! Choose to let it go! Choose to live!