Nick Meeder | Way Finders

I listened to the story of David through first and second Samuel. I gleaned a bit of wisdom in relation to the complexities of being a leader, king, or ruler over a realm. 

This applies to so many areas of our lives. 

First Samuel chronicles David’s glory and assent to the throne and kingdom. Second Samuel chronicles David’s failures as the king of Israel. 

What struck me is the contrast between the two books. David is very dependent on God for guidance and leadership as he grows into becoming the King of Israel and evading his enemy, King Saul. In Second Samuel, David relaxes, doesn’t seek or depend on God much, and begins neglecting his duties and responsibilities as king. 

Some of his failures include: He doesn’t go out to war and falls into adultery with Bathsheeba. To cover up the adultery and conception of a child, he tries to get Bathsheeba’s husband, Uriah, a valiant warrior with more integrity than David, to sleep with his wife. But Uriah has more integrity than David and will not have sex with his wife while the armies of Israel are fighting. David has Joab (the general of Israel’s military) conspire to have Uriah killed in battle. 

David doesn’t deal justice or equity against his son Amnon for raping and abandoning his daugher Tamar. David doesn’t judge or execute justice against his son Absolom for killing Amnon for raping Tamar, the sister of Absolom. He allows his friends to do favors for him. Joab entices David to bring Absolom back to Jerusalem, but never speaks to him. David eventually forgives Absolom and seals this verdict by kissing Absolom. David stops judging disputes in his kingdom and this gives an opportunity for Absolom to overthrow his father. There’s more, but these suffice.

The main struggles for leaders that I gleaned from David’s life are two (there’s more, but they primarily center around these two).

1. Allowing friends and family to bribe, give favors, or get away with injustice.
2. Neglecting roles and responsibilities to create justice and equity in a kingdom.

All of these flow from the cost associated with being a ruler. If you are to administer justice and equity, it means that you will lose some of your friends. It means that some of your family must be removed from political positions. This is a loss of love.

Those closest to you will also betray you and stab you in the back. They will tell you what you want to hear. They will bribe your favor with delight and goodness that your soul craves. While this is good and honoring, it cannot distort the two relationship roles a leader has with someone: friend (or family) and political position. You cannot separate the two. They go together. But, for you to lead and rule justly and keep your kingdom from ruin, you’ll have to do the difficult task of confronting wickedness, bribery, and flattery from your friend and family in political positions.  

What matters to God in the end is a person’s faith in Jesus Christ. God keeps his promise to David for offspring to rule Israel for all eternity. David demonstrates his faith in God even during all his failures by confession, repentance, and reconciliation with God. God calls David a man after his own heart. David still turns to God for salvation, comfort, repentance, and refuge when he fails. This is also something to model in your leadership. Don’t seek to be perfect. Seek to have faith, continually repent, engage your brokenness, and seek God’s leadership and will. God is the rightful ruler and king of all realms and establishments. 

In American culture, there’s a radical movement towards wicked and evil structures that destroy human dignity and God glorifying gender and sexuality.

To those called by Christ: stop relating to culture like it’s a Christian culture. It is not any more. Yes, our country was founded on Judeo-Christian values and men with degrees from seminary. That structure is diminishing and being replaced with a wicked structure. You are a Christian living within the context of a very deprave culture. Live in such a way as to be Jesus’ hands and feet to those around you. Americans have so much, but internally, they are homeless strangers, widows, and orphans. They need Jesus. They will not find him in your railing and contempt against a sinful culture, so stop!

To those who identify as LGBTQ+: I want to warn you, “There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way to death” (Proverbs 14:12). 

I want to ask you, where are you? Where have you come from and where are you going? I want to know.

I don’t know your story. My guess is that you need someone who is willing to draw you out and know you. My guess is that as you’ve embraced “who you are” because it has felt right. And, finding a community of other LGBTQ peers has felt good. It feels good to be accepted into a community that offers something you’ve not found elsewhere. I don’t know the circumstances or the story of what has brought you to the conclusions that you’ve made of your story. Yet, here you are. Events and relationships in your story have shaped you and helped make you who you are now. My guess is that you’ve suffered harm and pain in your family and social spheres to get where you are now. My compassion yearns for you to experience the love and grace of God through Jesus Christ. 

Choosing the path you’ve chosen, there are reasons and there are broken relationships as part of that story. The warning is still the same: you cannot create your own version of good and evil, right and wrong. Those are already defined by God. You may live for a time in a false Eden of your creating, but it will be shattered. If you’re tired of going down a path that feels right, but it has lead to more pain, suffering, and death, then make the correlation that something isn’t right.

What are your objections to the gospel of Jesus Christ? 

Has anyone explained it to you?

I desire that you know and experience the love of God. It satisfies more deeply than any satisfaction you’ve found as an LGBTQ+. God’s love does not come with the painful costs of ruptured relationships as an LGBTQ+.

This is the gospel in a nutshell: sin and choosing our own way has separated you and I from relationship and life with God. But God loved you and I so much, that he sent Jesus to repair that separation through his sacrifice, so that if you put your trust in him, you will be saved from hell and separation from God, and be given a new hope of heaven, resurrection, and life.

Sin means that someone has “missed the mark” of God’s righteousness and holiness. Adam and Eve rebelled against God because they desired to be like him, knowing good and evil. Just as Adam and Eve sinned against God, so you and I have sinned. The penalty for that sin is death and separation from good, life-giving relationship with God. In God’s righteousness, he is justified to condemn, punish, and pour out his wrath upon us. But God is also loving, compassionate, merciful, and abounding in steadfast love. So God made a way to redeem humanity from the inevitability of death. He sent Jesus to pay the death penalty we deserved for our sin because he loved you and I that much. So now, if you put your trust in Jesus and commit your life to him, he will forgive your sins and begin molding you into a new creation. You become adopted into a family that wants you. You receive a guaranty of a future hope and home with no more pain and suffering after this life. You will not be condemned to hell after this life. You will be chosen and destined for resurrection after this life. This is free of charge. It is a gift. But it comes with a high cost of forsaking, confessing, and repenting from the ways that lead to death. Choose life. Put your trust in Jesus Christ. God loves your body and he wants to redeem your soul. You will not find life outside of God no matter what you try or become.

One thing I find astounding about scripture is how it doesn’t spare details in some places. If the reading of Judges 19, 20, and 21 don’t cause you to stop and ponder ‘what in the HELL was going on?’ I don’t know how in touch with reality you are.

This week, I listened to the passage of Judges chapter 19, 20, and 21. The summary of the story is that a Levite man had a wife who was unfaithful to him, left him, and went to live with her father. Here’s where we get the first peak into a family, husband and wife, marked by depravity and sin. 

The Levite goes and finds his wife, stays with his father-in-law eating and drinking until the end of the fifth day (as a comment, the question I had was, if she was unfaithful to him and she went to her father’s house, what motivated him to go speak kindly to her and bring her back after four months?).

Proceeding with the story, the Levite then takes his “concubine” (wife) and ends up staying the night in Gibeah of Benjamin with an old man. At night, the Benjamin men come and ask for the Levite man from the old man that they might know him sexually. The old man pleads with them not to do such a horrible thing and offers instead his virgin daughter and the Levite’s wife that they might know the women sexually.

Now, let’s just pause this scene for a second. I’m incensed right now. This is the state of an “old man”. He is willing to protect the Levite man, but not his own daughter and the wife of the Levite. But the men of Gibeah won’t listen so the Levite forces his “concubine” out to the men of Gibeah. 

Let’s pause this also. So the Levite who went to speak kindly and bring her back, just turned on her and forced her out to be sexually raped and abused all night by multiple men? Isn’t this how contempt, murder, and idolatry happen in our hearts? He wanted her, but as soon as his life and sexuality were threatened, he looked on her with contempt. In anger and fear, he probably even said something like, “Well, you’re the one who slept with other men, so you’ll go out there.” Do you think his “concubine” was frightened and frozen with fear? The very man who came to get her and bring her back to himself, turned on her and betrayed her. He used his position of power and authority to abuse someone weaker and more vulnerable than he. 

Just let this scene sink in for a second. 

The author of the story starts this section of Judges chapter 19 with, “In those days, when there was no king in Israel….” The implication is that there was chaos and “Everyone did what was right in his own eyes” (Judges 21:25). And this story is a depiction of the state of depravity of Israel during that time.

Picking the story back up, the wife of the Levite is raped and abused all night. She dies at the door of the house. The Levite picks her up and takes her back to his home. And the story doesn’t stop there. 

This is the second part that incenses my anger for the wrongs done and confusion at God’s purpose in life. It was one incident of horror, terror, murder, abuse, and trauma. Wouldn’t it be enough for that only? Nope, it then goes from familial and community trauma to National and cultural trauma.

Long story short, the Levite cuts up his dead wife from being raped and calls Israel together. They all go to war with Gibeah after the Levite indicts them and conveniently leaves out the details that he forced her out to the men of Gibeah. All of Gibeah gets slaughtered and destroyed, except for a small remnant. 

Then they turn and have compassion on the men of Gibeah?! What?! Benjamin will be wiped out and no longer be part of Israel. So then there’s conspiracies to protect some women because of vows, and conspiracies to slaughter other people because they didn’t go to war.

So they slaughter the people of Jabesh-gilead since they didn’t come out to the battle against Gibeah. But, they save 400 virgins from Jabesh-gilead and give them to the Benjaminites. 

So, imagine having your whole community and family slaughtered and then being forced to marry another man. 

It’s insane and so so wrong!

But it doesn’t stop there! 400 virgins aren’t enoughas wives for the men of Benjamin. So the elders of the congregation of Israel conspire and entice the Benjaminites to kidnap virgin daughters of Shiloh when they dance for the Lord’s yearly feast. And they protect Benjamin by reminding the fathers from Shiloh that they would be guilty for not allowing their daughters to be taken as wives for the Benjaminites. These men would use guilt and shame as a tool of leverage to enact depravity and wickedness. Those in power and authority protected themselves, but made others suffer.

Do you see the depravity of man and how he struggles with lust and anger, murder and idolatry? 

And do you think it’s any different today? 

No. People are just as heinous and depraved today as they were back then.

This story is cause for pause and evaluation of your own heart’s struggle with lust and anger, idolatry and murder. Is the King ruling your heart to bring order, love, mercy, justice, and righteousness into how you act towards others and yourself?

Jesus allowed his body to be abused for you. Jesus protected you instead of casting you out for death. Jesus didn’t value his life more than yours or turn against you in anger and murder. His anger is for those destined for wrath – those committed to the work and delight of evil. But now is your opportunity to trust in Jesus to deliver you from certain death, physical and spiritual. God ordained that Jesus should suffer the wrath and punishment for your sins. Jesus is the King who will rule the earth and put everything into right order. 

And oh, what a contrasting glorious hope we cling to in light of this past story in Judges and the current events of our time. Ponder this scripture and cling to Jesus.

“then say to them, Thus says the Lord God: Behold, I will take the people of Israel from the nations among which they have gone, and will gather them from all around, and bring them to their own land. And I will make them one nation in the land, on the mountains of Israel. And one king shall be king over them all, and they shall be no longer two nations, and no longer divided into two kingdoms. They shall not defile themselves anymore with their idols and their detestable things, or with any of their transgressions. But I will save them from all the backslidings in which they have sinned, and will cleanse them; and they shall be my people, and I will be their God. “My servant David shall be king over them, and they shall all have one shepherd. They shall walk in my rules and be careful to obey my statutes. They shall dwell in the land that I gave to my servant Jacob, where your fathers lived. They and their children and their children’s children shall dwell there forever, and David my servant shall be their prince forever. I will make a covenant of peace with them. It shall be an everlasting covenant with them. And I will set them in their land and multiply them, and will set my sanctuary in their midst forevermore. My dwelling place shall be with them, and I will be their God, and they shall be my people. Then the nations will know that I am the Lord who sanctifies Israel, when my sanctuary is in their midst forevermore.””

‭‭Ezekiel‬ ‭37:21-28‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Many search and long for the results of healing, but few take the path when they encounter it because it is costly. You know you’ve paid the cost of healing and redemptive suffering when you find new compassion and tenderness for the parts of yourself that have been wounded, cursed, accused, and condemned. 

The scripture says, “…and by his wounds we are healed” (Isa. 53:5). For the longest time, I interpreted this to mean that there is no pain on my part. Only Jesus experiences the pain of the wounds I deserved. This understanding is partially true. The other piece of truth is that I must experience his wounds to be healed. 

You might be asking, “Wait. What? How do I experience Christ’s wounds? And why would I?” 

So, what do I mean by this? To answer this, I want to address another important question.

Why was it important for Jesus to have a body? Let’s linger on this question for a moment. The answer matters to why we experience healing in Jesus wounds. Other translations render it “…with his stripes we are healed…” He received wounds and stripes from other people. The statement “…and by his wounds, we are healed” implies that we are wounded. Otherwise, what would we need healing for. Jesus’ body was and is of utmost importance because he had to be made in our likeness in ever way. We not only have an empathizer, but he also became a sympathizer. He carried our sins in his body and received not only physical wounds, but he was also betrayed, abandoned, and rejected. Without damage there is no need for healing.

This is the reason healing is costly and so few take the path less traveled. Healing requires a movement of integrating your story and the story of Jesus’ crucifixion and resurrection. It costs you betrayal by those closest to you. It costs you abandonment by your friends and family. And it costs you rejection by those in authority and your friends.

But…the weight of glory that healing through Christ creates far outweighs the light and momentary suffering that healing requires. Jim Elliot wrote, “He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose.” 

In our microwave, lease signing, debt building, buy-it-now on a credit card, pay later culture, paying the cost up front is avoided because it is painful and costly. But the reward is so much better than the initial pain. 

The cost of healing is high because activity and energy must be redirected towards processing and metabolizing. 

This means people must be disappointed…because they won’t have access to you when they wanted. This means ministries will be let down when you say “no” to the next project. Instead of watching TV 30-40 hrs per week, you’ll spend time journaling (although sometimes you’ll need a break from the heavy lifting your body goes through in processing and metabolizing trauma). You’ll have to start saying “no” to the idols and lovers who temporarily filled your emptiness with fleeting pleasure to calm your anxiousness. This will lead to an even deeper awareness of your emptiness. Energy and focus will go into repairing the damage. You won’t be able to perform as you once did. Don’t try and force yourself to. Submit to the process and listen to what your body and soul need. The cost is worth it.

The cost is also high because it requires vulnerability. We experience so much heartache, disappointment, betrayal, abandonment, and rejection, that our hearts grow cold, reserved, and defensive towards vulnerability. 

Why? Because we experience shame for trusting too naively. In trusting others to take care of us,  we’ve been used and taken advantage of. In loving those close to us, we’ve been betrayed. In hoping for welcome and invite, we’ve been rejected by our friends. All of these experiences involve shame. And when we feel shame, we want to depart from our body’s experience of it. So we hide. We will not be vulnerable again by trusting, hoping, and loving others.

But to heal those stories, memories, and embodied experiences, they must be entered and re-entered to name the damage and harm done. We need repenting of our sinfulness. but also to mock evil’s assault to silence us through accusation. And those experiences must not be entered to unjustly accuse those who wronged you (although that’s where you might start the journey). The memories and experiences must not be entered to accuse and judge yourself for how stupid, needy, or naive you were (although naming this pattern of using self-contempt and shame as tools is vital). Those experiences must be entered with grace, kindness, grief, and lament for the pain, sin, and suffering your soul endured and perpetrated. 

And when you begin to enter your stories of pain, trauma, and heartache, you can begin to see how Christ suffered the same wounds you have. You will experience the goodness and delight of being known by God in your pain and suffering because you will know and experience Jesus in his pain and suffering. And…“by his wounds we will be healed.” 

When you experience the pain and suffering of Christ’s crucifixion, allowing it to expose you for who we really are, it paves the way for you to also experience and anticipate resurrection! And oh, healing is so glorious and so far outweighs the initial cost it requires. All of the evil in your life can be worked for a good purpose in God’s story and glory of your life.

When you’ve experienced kindness and grace for your stories of harm, you’ll gain a new compassion and tenderness for yourself. You’ll experience mercy where you should’ve receive condemnation. You’ll begin to see new purpose in the suffering that was previously purposeless. You’ll begin to see and name the goodness and beauty God has placed in you as an image bearer of his likeness. You’ll see and bless the desires and motivations God has placed in you for him and his goodness to help the world.

Listen Christian, if you’re reading this, don’t turn away from the straight and narrow path required for healing. Pay the cost. To use Jesus’ parable, it is a pearl of extreme value. Sell all your comfort, sell all your emptiness, sell all your fear, sell your anxiety, sell all your shame, sell all your idols, sell all your envy, sell all your loneliness, sell all your pride, and go buy the pearl of great value. Go towards your pain, your fear, your anger, your rage, your sorrow, and your suffering. 

How do you pay this cost?

Something about your life is broken. You know the parts of your life and story that don’t make sense. Your life is similar to the story of Adam and Eve in the garden. Somewhere, probably in many places, you’ve experienced the nakedness and exposure desire and sin created. This is Shalom destroyed. The problem is, just like Adam and Eve, you don’t understand the details of the full story. You need the help of someone to save you from your predicament. That person is Jesus. Graciously, Christ is with you through himself and the Spirit, but he expresses himself most through those whom he has called. You need others to provide observations, love, guidance, care, and insight into what they see about you. You need others to name what you don’t understand or cannot name. 

Meet with a trained and wise guide who will navigate the healing process with you. You need to experience the love of Christ on your journey. You need those who can bear the burden with you. You need those who will exemplify Christ embodied through them, and those who can exemplify what it means to be an imperfect Christian in the great journey of becoming who God is making you into: his Son. 

Pay the Cost. 

One major issue I consistently see in Christian leadership is a loyalty to abusive structures, ideologies, and beliefs. I grieve and lament these systems because they’re spiritually abusive. Instead of liberating people as the gospel of Jesus Christ does, it often creates enslavement to a family system of control through fear and shame. It’s sad, because they don’t know what they do. It’ll even become disguised as “biblical” or “this is what the Lord told me.” Yet, the Lord God is zealous and jealous for his bride. He will dismantle and disrupt the status quo. Lord, forgive us for what we do not know in helping people live into the true freedom and liberation you provide.

Dogmatism and Loyalty: Israel’s Religious Leaders 

The Pharisees didn’t recognize Jesus because they were loyal to their interpretations and beliefs of what the Messiah was supposed to be and do. They also preferred the honor and glory from men, rather than God. Their desire was for position, power, and authority. And they setup a dogmatic system that enslaved people to a burden of the law that no one could bear. The Pharisees were dogmatic in their theology and doctrine. 

Dogmatism and Loyalty: Christian Leadership

Christianity is no different. Christian leaders and pastors usually aren’t aware of how they struggle with lust and anger, idolatry and murder in relation to desire, sin, and shame. Then, these patterns, behaviors, and fears play out within the church family system. Christians are sometimes more liable to hiding behind their doctrine and knowledge of God, rather than the power and healing from exposure, surrender, humility, confession, repentance, and submission to the LORD. 

Dogmatism and Loyalty: Culture and the Church 

Part of why culture has rejected the influence of the church is because it reveals the evil and wickedness in the world. However, in addition to that, the world can perceive that Christians are not people of love, but people of shame and condemnation. As long as a person is part of the “in crowd”, he or she is safe from the shame and condemnation of the church. These types of churches have a difficult time maintaining relationships and outreach to those outside of the church. Culture has sensed this hypocrisy and rightfully rejected it. Many churches have a loyalty to a dogmatic structure they call “biblical”, “theological”, or even “doctrinal”. However, in reality, it’s more about loyalty to a family system of managing exposure, pleasure, fear, and power than encouraging people deeper into the gospel embodied and lived out. You’ll know this because these types of churches and relationships do not produce fruit consistent with wisdom. Instead, they atrophy, wither, and slowly decay into ineffectiveness. People can feel when Christians are authentic or not.

Dogmatism and Loyalty: You and the Church, Attachment

How does a person recognize if he or she is in a loyal and dogmatic system? Here’s a couple questions to point you in the right direction. These will give you an idea if the people are primarily ruled by fear and shame. Don’t look for perfect people. Look for people who acknowledge their brokenness, and posses a willingness to be imperfect as they walk with the Spirit towards Christ embodied through their actions, kindness, and love (sanctification).

1. Are you free to give your input, even if it doesn’t adhere to the “collective’s” narrative/beliefs?
2. Can the church, family, or person bear to hear your doubts, struggles, and questions?
3. When you’re happy or sad, do they engage you to know you? Or, do they engage with you to change you? Or do they avoid you?
4. Can they bear your “big” emotions, or does it become too difficult for them to hear and see your tears, cries, struggle, or anger?
5. When there has been a rupture in the relationship, even if it’s small, do they take ownership of their side and work towards repairing? Or, do they become hostile, aggressive, and defensive? Or, do they disengage, avoid, minimize, or dismiss the issue?

Secure Attachment: Yourself

Next, evaluate yourself with these same questions. People who have suffered greatly at the abuse from others will usually respond by putting themselves into the “all bad” category as they feel shame for not measuring up. If this is how you respond, I want to offer you a kind alternative: “see” your brokenness/sin with the unmerited favor you now stand in through Christ, and that you’re in a process of growth with the Spirit working in you to incrementally change you into the image of Christ. This “seeing” doesn’t happen in this instance. It is iterative, a journey. The path forward is to begin a journey of healing by telling the stories of your life where those who loved you failed to give you what you needed in relation to secure attachment (the above questions). 

Secure Attachment: Others

Another way of evaluating is to ask someone you trust how well you fulfill each. If great amounts of fear or anxiety arise when you imagine asking those you consider closest to you, then the pathway of healing is before you: you need to experience many, many, many instances of Christ-embodied, secure love, and attachment. This is what good Christian community or counseling does.